One Thursday evening in the Fall of 2009, I was at a worship event called Sanctuary. It was a beautiful night of praise. The lights were down. People were standing, sitting, kneeling, dancing, PRAISING. And then the band started playing it; my favorite song “How He Loves” by John Mark McMillian. Oh, what a beautiful song! We got to the chorus, and I was overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit! I was being crushed by the weight of the Lord’s love for me when I know I don’t deserve an ounce of it, and then BAM.
My mind switched. It just switched. I was no longer in that church auditorium. It was two years previous, and I was sitting on the steps of a building at Lipscomb University. My eyes were filling with tears as the following words starting pouring out of my mouth:
“You have to love me or leave me. My heart can’t take it anymore. I can’t be on this roller coaster of emotions anymore. I love you, but you only call me when you’re lonely. You only text me when you’re bored or have no one else to hang out with. You lead me on and then act as if I never existed. It hurts so bad. I can’t take anymore of this part time stuff, so you have to choose to love me fully or leave me alone.”
The tears were now running down my cheeks as I stared into the face of the boy to whom I had just said these things. You see, in my heart, I was BEGGING that he would love me, but I knew that it had to be his choice or it wouldn’t be genuine.
Now I was back in the auditorium at Sanctuary. The band was finishing the song, and then the Lord spoke into my heart:
“Kristen, I’m asking the same of you. You have to love me or leave me. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am crazy about you. I died for you. But you only talk to me when you have spare time. And most of that time is you asking for things. When you’re in trouble or when you feel guilty. And then I think things have changed and we start talking regularly. But then, you ignore me as if I never existed. It hurts so bad. I’m sick of this part time stuff. I’m sick of your lukewarmness. Either love me fully, enter into a deep relationship with me, unleash your life to me. Or leave me alone.”
Wow. He’s good, isn’t he? He knows it won't be genuine unless it's my choice. Even though this revelation happened two years ago, God is still challenging me with this.
“Love me or leave me.”